self righteous

I've started and deleted a few drafts of blog posts, on various subjects. All were deleted because they were not funny. However, I've not been having many funny thoughts lately. So, here is my first post of a serious nature.

I've been reflecting a lot lately on personal righteousness and obedience. One experience has always stuck out in my mind. I was in high school when 'Braveheart' came out. I saw it. My first R-rated movie. That was back in the day when the 'For Strength of Youth' pamphlet expressly forbade R-rated movies. I chose to see it because it was historical and looked well done, and I heard was R for violence, which I decided wasn't as bad as some other reasons. I saw it, loved it, came home and told my sister about it. Without guilt I told her it was an inspiring movie and I thought I was the better for seeing it, even though there was that one scene. Her response triggered an emotional reaction which makes it impossible for me to forget her words. "That may have been a good movie, but you will forget it and it will make no difference in your life. But what will make a difference, is if you choose to be obedient to the prophet."

I'm not really a guilty person. Sometimes I've thought that if I was more guilty it would spurn me to righteous action as it did for Hester Prynne. I'm a little tough skinned which is why I love the speakers in General Conference who kick you in the pants and tell you to do better, like Elder Jeffery R. Holland. The ones that encourage you to change through love, (Ex. You really are of worth Sisters!) are not as effective for me. So my sister's comment about being obedient to the prophet was very effective, and I have thought of it often.

As a mother, obedience has become all the more poignant a subject of thought. The words I say to my children are easily the same words Heavenly Father could say to me. In fact I often hear His voice in my ears AS I'm getting after my kids. "How many times do I have to tell you before you listen?" "Don't get distracted." "The consequences don't change just because you don't like them." "Just because you're tired doesn't mean you can be stinky to your family." "This day just keeps getting worse and worse the more you make poor choices."

I've also thought about the little visual lesson, that many have seen, about the rice and the ping pong balls. I did it all the time on my mission. You put rice in a jar, then the ping pong balls, but they don't fit. Then you take it all out, start with the ping pong balls and then the rice, and it all magically fits together. Moral of the lesson: if you do the spiritually nourishing things first, you'll have time for everything else. I think this only works if you don't have that much rice. Say if all your rice is cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery planning/shopping, doing the budget. Then that lesson works. But what if in your rice jar you add: sewing, working out, preschool trades, sewing, watching movies with your husband, surfing the web, organizing the garage, sewing, visiting teaching, serving that person in your ward who always needs serving, watching your friends kids because they need it, weeding your bushes, chatting with your friend for a good long while, sewing, going to the zoo, potty training, having the missionaries over for dinner, throwing baby showers, blogging, trying new and complicated recipes, responding to all my email, staying up late watching TV when you should really be in bed, making gifts/home decor, preparing lessons, and more sewing. Well you may not be able to fit all that rice in the jar. If you put the spiritually nourishing things first, you may not have time for everything else. So I think the lesson more appropriate for me is sacrifice. You've got to get rid of some important rice for some more important ping pong balls. And it hurts. Just like it hurts Axel to leave his picture undone and get in the car. Just like it hurts Maggie to go potty when she's playing trains.

Lately I've been evaluating my life and have decided that the rice I can give up is entertainment. I don't watch much TV during the day, but at night, Paul and I sit together and watch movie trailers, or hang out on the couch, looking at the messy house. Honestly, I can't remember of all the time wasting things I do in the evening, but I wake up to a messy house and I stayed up late, so what the heck was I doing until 11:00? Going to bed at 11:00 isn't so bad, unless you get up at 4:45. That's when Paul gets up and I TRY to get up with him, but usually end up sleeping in until 5:30, 6:00. So even though 11:00 isn't that late, we're falling asleep as we get into bed. And that's our scripture time. And I picture myself standing before God.

God: Why haven't you been reading your scriptures?

Alisha: It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I have these three messy kids and endless work, and I'm trying to be good. I did my visiting teaching last week. I've tried reading in the morning, but the kids are up so early and need breakfast right away, and at night I'm so tired, I just fall asleep after a few minutes. Most of my friends think I'm really righteous, so I thought I was. I just don't have as much time as I used to.

God: You wasted a lot more than 5 minutes today. I'm sure you could transfer some of that wasted time to scripture time.

So that's what I've decided to do. I'm trying to get into bed when I'm still awake so I can really get something out of scripture study, or go to bed early enough that I'll be alert at 5:30 to read them. And if I ever feel bad for myself about not having enough relax time I think of this conversation Paul and I had many times his 3rd year of medical school.

Alisha sees Paul vegging on the computer after a long hard day at the hospital. Alisha tries to start a lighthearted conversation. After that fails, I express my frustration in less than loving words. "If you're just going to look at the computer, stay at the hospital to do it!" "Alisha, I've had a hard day. I just need to unwind a little." And these are the words that would be just as fitting coming from God. "Unwind with me."

So, when the kids are finally in bed, and all my energy is gone and I feel like I have a little hard earned unwind time, I hear God saying, 'unwind with me.'

I've been trying it for about a week and a half. Maybe that's why all I have on my mind are serious blog posts. I've learned some interesting things from the Doctrine and Covenants. It even came in handy when answering questions from a friend who was baptized not long ago. But the biggest benefit is that I feel my nature becoming gentler. Prioritizing is more natural. I feel more in control of my situation than my situation controlling me. The other side effect is I'm cheesy and write cheesy blog posts.

For all you righteous people, I'm sure you're dedicated to your scriptures, and are aghast that I have a hard time with it. And you laid back people are thinking I'm super up-tight about obedience. I guess the purpose of me sharing this, is just to share. Because, if you're like me, you read blogs to catch the flavor of someone's personality. And that tasting is what keeps your relationship alive. Hope this post tastes like strawberry yogurt.