I am sad, sad I am

Well it has been an emotional few days. The details are very exciting and very scandalous, but I'm too tired to write about it. I'll just take you to the end.

We decided to move.

I went rental house hunting and became discouraged because the only thing we can afford are disgusting big houses, or crackerbox nice houses.

Then we found a house that has hardwood floors, immaculate bathrooms, modern kitchen with stainless steel appliances and granite counter tops, lots of windows, plenty of room for all of us, fenced backyard, and a garage. AND is actually definitely in our budget. I was shocked. We immediately filled out an application and gave them a deposit.

Unfortunately we were 10 minutes too late. The people who left AS we were pulling up, had just applied and given them a deposit.

I was still hopeful that somehow we might still get it.

Then our landlord said that our neighbor was definitely moving out regardless of whether we stayed or not. Good news.

But we decided if we got this house we would still move.

I couldn't help myself. I imagined where all our furniture would go and how lovely it would be to have another family over for dinner and actually have enough room for all of us around the table, and how it's so close to Axel's school I would have 1 hour more a day. I heard the children laughing and pictured us sitting all together for family home evening. I pictured the children chasing each other while I browned hamburger. Paul would come home and we would marvel at how lucky we were.

So I hoped and I envisionioned and I even decided to test the 'law of attraction' my mother is always bearing her testimony to me about. For all morning with butterflies I listened for the phone to ring and for the leasing agent to tell us that we got it. And it rang and it wasn't him, about 4 times. And then there was a special ring and it rang into my jittering bones. And I just knew that somehow the stars would align and he would tell me that something happened with the other people and when could we move in. "I've just approved that other couple."

I have friends who are loaded and have beautiful homes, but it doesn't make me sad. The reason I'm sad is because I saw what I could have right now with my money and it was such a deal, and it would virtually transform my daily life.

And don't get me wrong, we've been happy here. There's plenty of room for us. There are enough kitchen cabinets, old beautiful wood molding, 3 closets in our bedroom, big front porch with a swing on it, and it even came with a perfect neighbor who didn't care how loud our kids were at 6:00 am. See lots of good things.

There are other, less than good things too. Eternally funky bathroom, slanted floors every which way, linoleum peeling up at the corners, 1960's fixtures, endless spiders (I tell myself that it's Halloween festive), old house smell when I'm not burning a candle. I was ok with all that, because I didn't know I could have anything better.

And here it was, a perfectly good reason to move and wouldn't you know that an absolutely perfect house came up, and I missed it by 10 minutes.

And it's pointless to think of what might be.

And I'll be happy tomorrow, maybe even tonight. And even as my heart is sad I know that I am ungrateful. But I think it's ok as long as it doesn't last until tomorrow.

So we're staying. We and the spiders, and it'll be Halloweeny.