I had two miscarriages

I think most women have experienced miscarriage.  It is very sad, and gives you much empathy.  I am so thankful for the women who have had miscarriages who have comforted me.  I'm sure I'll have the chance to return the comfort.

In April, at 15 weeks we found out the baby died two weeks earlier.  We thought it was just a random situation where the baby maybe didn't form correctly, though everything looked fine, but it's hard to tell.  The second, we found out at 18 weeks the baby died 3 weeks earlier.  The two were very similar.  It seemed we have a problem.  We did a lot of blood work and discovered that my plasminogen activator inhibitor 1 levels are more than double the normal level.  Pai1 is the superglue in blood clotting.  They think that little microclots are forming in the capillaries where my and baby's blood connect, and over time, the capillaries are all blocked and the nutrients cannot be exchanged.  My poor babies.  They were both girls.  I have a name picked out.  I hope she can still be a part of our family.

There is no conclusive church doctrine on the subject of when the spirit is put in the body.  Still births are not counted as sealed children in the church records.  I hope that my girl will come to me again, and I will have her in my arms, where she belongs.

This is a fairly common blood issue for women.  But even 20 years ago doctors would not be able to help me.  For my next pregnancy I'll be injecting myself with lovenox every day.  I am so so so thankful for modern medicine.

After Thanksgiving, after my family left, when my house got quiet, I was more observant.  One morning, when I bent over, I didn't feel that bulge, like you're leaning over a ball.  I looked at my stomach.  I just looked fat.  And then I cried.  Because I know what it feels like to carry a live baby.

The ultrasound confirmed it.  My husband kissed me, and cried with me.  I am thankful for 4 perfect children.  The specialist was so confident we could figure out what was wrong, that it made me confident too.  16 viles of blood and amniocentesis revealed that the baby was perfect and my blood has gone wonky.  The doctor also said that it's common for women to have no problems with their blood clotting and then for it to change.  Good, I'm not a rare case.

I can blog about this because I think there is a happy ending with more babies.

Rachel said, "Give me children, or else I die."  God put maternal desires in us.  So Strong.  I am thankful for the Atonement that can make everything right.  My little trial is small compared to most.  I know that.  These miscarriages have revealed that I am not as strong as I thought.  But I hope that they have prepared me to be able to handle bigger things to come with Grace.